Trouble Sleeping

It is 330am and I am wide awake. The temprature is about 29 degrees and the house is cold and hot. The heater was on the hot air from the furnace fills the bedroom making it hard to sleep. Yet when you come into the living areas and the tile rooms are cold. I sort of like the cold because I can bundle up but there is no escaping the heat. I went to the doctor the other day and discussed my overall health......the picture has not changed. I have about a week before chemo starts again and the feelings of dread are starting to set in. I have enjoyed not having the side effects and being able to eat salads. The restrictions are so many when you are on chemo and the simple thing of having a salad is missed. Every thing must be cooked and cleaned throughly. Everything must be disinfected. Hand shaking or being around children and animals are to be avoided. So many restrictions it is like living in a bubble. The smell of clorox and disinfectant will again be constants in my world.
For some odd reason I have a saddness building up in me. Old rifts are being rehashed in my head. I have found that I am living behind a mask. I found out the hard way that telling too much of how you are feeling is overwhelmning so a brave happy face must be put on so not to disrupt those around you. When asked how you are feeling......no one really wants to know the truth. It is not pleasant to say what is really going on. So the brave happy mask emerges.....only to hide and keep the secrets that churn in my head.